My desk is messy.
I am convinced that this is why my life feels like it is falling a part.
If I could just keep everything in its place
If there wasn’t that pile of dirty laundry
That drawer that contains everything from childhood drawings, nickels, thumbtacks, hair extensions, broken sunglasses, and old birthday cards.
If it were all sorted out
Then my head would be clear.
Maybe if my head was clear my desk wouldn’t be messy.
I can’t sleep
When I lie down
My ears get plugged up with tears
I feel like I’m going to see something in the dark
And it will scare me so much
I will die
I feel a tightness in my chest
My arms feel numb
I remember when my dad had a heart attack on Father’s Day
After eating a banana split
We got into an argument
And then he almost died
I thought I made that happen with my mind
With my words
He told me later that if I loved him he wouldn’t be so sick
That my love could heal him
He had congestive heart failure
What does that say
About my love
I feel my dads genes inside me
I see his image in the night
The One I serve
Is a beautifully handsome Dominant
She hits me on my bare ass with a heavy wooden paddle
Punishing me for leaving the toilet seat up
For not returning an email.
I am always surprised by the pain
Before it happens
I am scared
I gear up for the worst
And sweat profusely about the future
The silence feels long
When it finally happens
I am in the moment
The pain feels like it will never end
I swallow hard
I know that she has only hit my left cheek
And will not leave the other unbalanced
Then she comes down on the right
This time whatever sound I tried to swallow has come up
In a whimper
I start to pray
Grant me the serenity…
Now a third slap on both cheeks evenly
I scream out loud
I hang my head on the end of the bed
“You have received your punishment. Now you are absolved.”
I feel relieved and elated
-an old idea-
When i was younger i wanted to transition to be a boy
because I thought when boys got mad
They punched each other
And then they stayed friends
When girls get mad
They gossip about each other and make life miserable
The worst part is
they are never friends again
My life is not my own
I sit in the dark
So do you
And so does he
But we are connected
Because our life is not our own.
I am writing because I don’t know what to do
One part of my body feels numb and cold
So I move it until its warm again and I can feel
Then another part goes numb and cold
I guess I have to keep moving
The card that comes after the Hanged Man in the Tarot
Is the 13th card of Trumps
It is Death
Death is the only thing guaranteed
And it represents change
It is fitting
that it is nearly Halloween
My body looks more than ever like a bag of bones
now I can ride over the wreckage of my past
And wave a flag adorned with a white petal flower
Hey Jacques! I was wondering how do I go about getting into queer/ftm/bdsm 'porn' or modeling?
The difficult part is deciding whether on not queer porn is the right career or artistic move for you.
What is your motivation?
If your answer is that you always wanted to be have millions of people wanking off to your sexy body, the exhibitionist fantasies are endlessly thrilling and fuck any job that gets in the way of your porn career…then becoming a porn star may, potentially be a good fit for you.
As for the money, it can be very sporadic- depending on the type of porn you do, the type of sex you have and your body type. There are only so many sites that sell ftm porn (but ftm porn is on the rise!) Updating/ sustaining your social media profiles can be pretty time consuming as well. I would definitely recommend having another job with steady income.
The easy part is actually applying.
First thing, get a good quality, full body nude shot of your self and a good profile picture. Then find the queer/ftm/bdsm porn sites you want to apply to and fill out their online application and upload your photos.
Most queer porn sites want models who demonstrate that they are serious-it’s a big deal putting your face and naked body all over the internet! So, if you are serious about entering the world of erotic film, I would start a tumblr or a different site that allows you to post your sexy pics and where you can post your bio and stats. I would also have a separate email for your new porn persona. Speaking of persona, it’s really important for you to think deeply about what types of sex you like to have and what kind of people you are attracted to. KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES! It can be really traumatic to be on set and discover that all kinds of your boundaries are being violated. You always have the power to stop the scene or say your safeword when this happens. The sooner the better, please don’t try and push through it. Put your peace of mind first.
I could write a dissertation on this subject-l’m leaving a lot out! I would recommend going to QueerpornTV and watching the interviews on there and see what you relate to and who you may want to shoot with.
Hi sweety, how are you ? I just wanted to say that I really love your work and your way of life. You're amazing. I also really love your body hair. That's an amazing turn on. Please show more and keep your spirit up ! ♥
I am fantastic, thank you! and thank you for your kind words. I always considered myself to have a lot of body hair but didn’t really appreciate it until recently. Glad to know it’s a turn on :) Thanks for keeping my spirits high and you do the same <3
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! Lexi Sanfino and Nina Arsenault were arrested after disembarking from their WestJet flight to Edmonton. Why would two artists, trans advocates and fabulous people be arrested? Because the breasts of one (Lexi) were exposed during the flight. She was charged with…
It seems like only yesterday that were having parties in my empty apartment and all we needed was a hot plate, some ramen, a deck of cards and some milk crates to sit on. Yep :) I’ve upgraded to a camping stove, a tarot deck, folding chairs and organic ricenoodles!